Office Drabbles
by Mint Pizza Queen
Summary: Twenty six themes of bizarre occurrences at the office of Roy Mustang and company. [COMPLETED]
1. Theme 1

**Drabble Rating: **T  
**Status: **1/26  
**Word Count: **420 words  
**Pairing:** Roy/Ed  
**Characters:** Roy, Ed, Alphonse  
**Theme:** Theme 1: Aaah…  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

"Roy, I need to use your phone." A kiss on the temple, a gentle rub on the sore shoulder.

"Go ahead, Ed." Kiss. "It's right there."

Edward stretched his arm out to grab the phone only to be pulled back by Roy who was enjoying himself to smothering the poor blonde with kisses. "Roy, I seriously need to call and check up on Al."

"Can't it wait, oh, let's see, another ten minutes? A hour tops?"

"Nooo," Ed swatted a wandering hand away before dialing and holding the phone up to his ear.

Although Roy was offended by the swat, he claimed his revenge by enveloping Ed in a bone-crushing hug, squishing the phone into the boy's cheek.

"DAMNIT ROY, CUT IT OUT!"

"_Uh…nii-san?"_

"Al!" Ed gave Roy a quick slap on the cheek, stunning the man momentarily. "How're you Al? Is everything okay? How's the automail business?"

"_Everything's great, nii-san. I'm fine. Busy, but fine."_

"That's great!" Ed didn't even notice Roy's wandering hand. "So, how's Winry and Aunty Pinako?"

"_Well, Winry's been busy too. She's kinda perturbed about you not sending any letters though, or making calls as frequently as you had promised."_

Ed gave a nervous chuckle. "Well, I've been busy too—oooo…"

"_Um…nii-san?_ _What was that?"_

Ed gave a glare at Roy but it faltered when he realized what Roy was doing and where his hand was located. "Uh…what was what?"

"_I heard something that sounded like a moan."_

"Bad connection? You know how phone lines sometimes mix toge---aaaah…"

"_Uh…true but…it sounds a little too clear for bad connection. Nii-san, what are you doing?"_

Ed turned his upper torso so he could get a better view of Roy and instantly grabbed Roy's arm that held the wandering hand and gave it a death grip. Roy cringed and pulled his hand away. "I am talking to you, and working on some paperwork that Roy keeps nagging me about."

"_Uh huh, like you would ever work on paperwork."_

"You have so little faith in me."

"_But of course. Oh, I have to go, nii-san. Another customer. I hope to hear from you again real soon, and send some letters please! Winry's getting cranky!"_

"Of course…bye!"

"_Bye!" _

'Click.'

Ed threw the phone and instantly punched Roy with his automail fist. "DAMNIT ROY, ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME KILLED?"

Roy leaned forward with a wince and kissed Ed on the cheek. "Killed? I think Al already knew what you were up to by all the moaning."

"Damnit, Roy…aaaaah…"

**End**


	2. Theme 2

**Drabble Rating: **K  
**Status: **2/26  
**Word Count:** 170 words  
**Pairing:** None.  
**Characters:** Roy, Riza, Hughes  
**Theme:** Theme 2: Boss  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

"Make sure you sign every document at the bottom where it reads signature."

"I know."

"Also, before signing you read each document."

"Of course."

"Don't forget that you have a meeting every Wednesday at fourteen hundred hours..."

"I know."

"And don't forget to give Second Lieutenant Havoc that raise you promised last month."

Roy groaned. "I know." Riza nodded, yet she hovered over his shoulder for a moment longer. Roy looked up to her and raised an eyebrow. "Can I help you?"

"You did not dismiss me, sir."

The man resisted the temptation to smack his head off his desk a few thousand times. "You're dismissed."

"Oh, and sir?"

"What now?"

"Be sure to use blue or black ink when signing." The woman walked out just as Hughes entered looking mightily smug.

"What do _you_ want?" Roy gritted.

"I just want to know something," Hughes mused as he planted himself on the leather couch, "who's the real boss? You or Lieutenant Hawkeye?"

"Don't make me burn you to a crisp."

**End**


	3. Theme 3

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **3/26  
**Word Count:** 360 words  
**Pairings:** Havoc/Fuery, Roy/Ed  
**Characters:** Havoc, Fuery  
**Theme:** Theme 3: Calendar  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Havoc grabbed the permanent marker and drew a thick line through the day on the calendar. Another day another girlfriend stolen by that damned Mustang. If only that cocky bastard would stop stealing all his dates!

He chucked the marker across the room only to have it ricochet off the wall, leaving a long black mark in its wake and fly back at the man. He ducked just as it neared him and it landed on the ground beside a pair of feet. Havoc blinked, looked up, and saw Fuery blinking back at him.

"Another date stolen, sir?" He questioned as he bent over and picked up the marker, replacing the cap on it and placed it into the makeshift pencil holder that was actually a coffee cup.

"Of course," Havoc spat angrily towards the door to Roy's office, "and by Mister Mustang himself, again."

"You should tell Ed about Roy doing that." Fuery murmured. "He'd deal with him; after all, them two have been together as a couple for a while now. Ed has been on a mission the past month, so he doesn't know about Roy taking your girls."

Havoc rubbed his chin. "You know, if Ed were to find out, he'd probably kill him…" The blonde paused. "But you said he's on a mission? He's not back, is he?"

"Well, sir, it's your lucky day." Fuery grinned. "Ed just arrived and he's actually in with Mustang right now if you want to see him. He went in before you got here."

Havoc did a hop and clicked his heals together. "Yes! Mustang! It's time to take your punishment! This'll teach you to take my dates!" He waltzed to the calendar after picking up the same marker from before and grinned at Fuery. "So, later, are you free?"

Fuery blinked. "I'm always free."

"Well, mark your calendar cause tonight you and I are going out to dinner." Havoc marked the date with a star and then threw the marker into the drawer before dancing to Mustang's door. "If you hear girlish screams, that'll be Mustang facing one pissed off Edward Elric." With that, he strutted into Mustang's office.

**End**


	4. Theme 4

**Drabble Rating: **T  
**Status: **4/26  
**Word Count:** 330 words  
**Pairings:** RoyEd  
**Characters:** Roy, Ed, Hughes  
**Theme:** Theme 4: Desk  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

'_Knock. Knock.'_

"Come in," Roy replied to the knocking, although he already knew who it was. His dark eyes shifted upwards to see the familiar blonde giving him the traditional glare.

Edward slammed the door as his performance always noted, but instead of screaming his lungs out at the man, he dashed across the room and slid across the desk knocking everything off as he landed gracefully on the Colonel's lap. "Did you miss me?"

Roy wrapped his arms around the blonde and stifled a chuckle. "You do realize Hawkeye is going to kill me for the mess you just made?"

Edward shrugged. "All well."

There was a sound at the door which sent Ed sprawling onto the floor next to Roy and Roy to his knees hastily picking up the paperwork and other objects that were supposed to be on his desk.

Hughes poked his head into the office. "Oi, Roy I—woah…what happened here?"

Roy looked up with relief. "Oh, it's you, I thought it was Hawkeye…"

Hughes grinned. "Nope! I just came to tell you that I convince Hawkeye to take the afternoon off, cause one way or another, you aren't getting any paperwork done. So, yeah…you're free! And Ed, go easy on the man. He's not as young as he used to be." He winked and reached around the doorknob, flicked the lock and slammed the door.

Roy and Ed stared at the door, then at each other. Roy stood first and grabbed Edward, bringing him to his feet.

"Ed. Desk. Now." He pointed to the desk and gave a glare.

Ed jumped onto the desk only to be pinned down and smothered by the Colonel.

Meanwhile, bets were taking place on how much longer it would take for Roy and Edward to 'clean' up their mess and how many bullets Hughes would have in his ass for tying Riza up and gagging her, as well as throwing her into the janitor's closet without her rifles.

**End**


	5. Theme 5

**Drabble Rating: **K  
**Status: **5/26  
**Word Count:** 260 words  
**Pairings:** None  
**Characters:** Scieszka  
**Theme:** Theme 5: Employee  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Scieszka had three choices at the moment: accept, say no, or run like hell and never return to her apartment in fear of the man returning.

It wasn't as if it were a horrible job. Okay, so it was a horrible job, but it put her supernatural skills to good use! It's not everyday that you have a State Alchemist waltz up to you and ask you to rewrite every single page from a book they are looking for because they know that you have a photographic memory. It's not everyday that that same alchemist pays you with a huge wad of cash that you could only dream about and only have that person wave it off like it were pennies to them.

She had to thank them some how for the money, so she accepted the job as 'apprentice' to Maes Hughes. He was a nice man and all, but—

--his perk-ups were scary as hell.

Photo upon photo of his daughter were enough to scare away other employees, so why was she any different?

Now that she thought of it, she realized the answer. _She didn't run._ She actually looked at the pictures, and instantly got back to writing a thousand words a minute.

Scieszka decided that once she was finished with all the rewriting of the cases and once her mother was out of the hospital that she was going to wring Ed's neck for suggesting to Hughes to have her help with the work. Well, Not too hard, though; he's still a kid mind you…

**End**


	6. Theme 6

**Drabble Rating:** K  
**Status:** 6/26  
**Word Count:** 120 words  
**Pairings:** None.  
**Characters: **Falman, Breda, Fuery, Havoc  
**Theme:** Theme 6: Files  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Falman watched in horror as Havoc, Breda, and Fuery all attempted to 'aid' in the long, dreary process of filing paperwork and other forms.

"The red papers go in this folder, right?"

"No! That is the folder for supplies! That's where you get the form for new items—"

"Hey, has anyone seen the vacation forms folder?"

"Hey, what are these papers for?"

"Those are the complaint forms! I've been looking for these to file complaints against the cafeteria lady for spitting in my food everyday!"

"Hey, cool! Blue paper!"

"Don't drop them!"

"Whoops."

Falman covered his eyes as his perfectly organized filing system went down the drain, as each individual paper fell out of sync and onto the floor.

**End**


	7. Theme 7

**Drabble Rating:** K+  
**Status:** 7/26  
**Word Count:** 630 words  
**Pairings:** None  
**Characters: **Havoc, Roy, Falman, Breda, Fuery, Ed, Al, random garbage guy, and a random janitor.  
**Theme:** Theme 7: Garbage  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Havoc watched in amazement as Roy grabbed his ever-famous little black book and chucked it into the garbage with a snarl. "I've had it with these women! I must look elsewhere!"

The blonde's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. Why didn't the Colonel just give _him_ the book? He would take good care of it, and give it a nice place by the phone.

He watched in shock as Mustang left the office and slammed his door behind him. Getting up from his own desk, he decided that he wasn't going to allow this poor book to have such a bad ending to its wonderful life. So, he began to tip-toe to the garbage pail...

...only to freeze when the janitor came in and grabbed the garbage bag out of the bin and walked out with it.

Havoc could only stare in utter shock, for it happened quicker than he could blink. Seething, he dove out of the room to wring the guy's neck _(what the hell did he think he was doing dumping the trash so early?) _and rescue the little book with lovely prizes just waiting inside. However, the hallway was empty; except for the stares he received by Falman, Breda, and Fuery.

"Uh, sir, what are you—"

"WHERE'D HE GO?"

"W-who?" Fuery stuttered and felt himself leave the floor.

"The dude that just stole the garbage?" Havoc spat.

"Stole the garbage? I didn't know it was a crime for the janitor to take the garbage—"

"This is a crime of passion!" Havoc dropped the poor man onto the floor and posed dramatically. "He has taken something that is in need of rescuing! I must save it!"

Breda blinked. Then pointed down the hall. "Went outside. Garbage truck's here."

With that new vital information, Havoc sprung into action and flew down the stairs, nearly sending a startled Fullmetal Alchemist tumbling down the stairs. Lucky for him, Al had saved the shrimp (and Havoc) before chaos erupted.

Sprinting across the parking lot to where the garbage truck was sitting, Havoc grinned. "Almost there! Almost there!"

VROOM.

The truck lurched forward and Havoc sped up to maximum velocity.

Performing a marvelous lurch, he jumped on top of a military vehicle, bounced into the back of the truck, and landed in the various bags of trash. He realized in horror that it would take him forever to find the book.

However, that didn't stop the determined man, who instantly tore apart the first bag and went to work on throwing the papers and various things into the air.

----

"What the hell was Havoc's rush?" A fuming Edward Elric snorted as he tossed himself onto the couch in Roy's office as he waited for the bastard to return from his 'coffee break'. "He nearly knocked me down the stairs!"

Falman grunted. "Disrespectful, utterly disrespectful."

Fuery rubbed his neck. "I think he was looking for something he may have tossed into the trash. He was looking for the garbage guy."

"If I didn't know any better, the way he was acting, it would look as if Roy had tossed his black book in the trash." Breda wafted a hand.

Ed and Al exchanged glances, and then burst into laughter. "That'll be the day!"

----

The garbage man stared in shock in the back of the truck. There wasn't any trash, except for a couple of stray papers. But that wasn't what was scaring him—

--a blonde military officer sitting in the back with a little black book and a psychotic grin, chanting a mantra of "I found it! I found my baby! I found my ticket to kicking Mustang's ass! Whoo-hoo!" did.

Nobody noticed the trail of garbage that lead from the headquarters to the dump until the next day.

**End**


	8. Theme 8

**Drabble Rating: **K  
**Status: **8/26  
**Word Count:** 220 words  
**Pairings:** None  
**Characters:** Roy, Ed, Hawkeye  
**Theme:** Theme 8: Hawkeye  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

"Mr. Elric, please sit down or get out!" Riza scrambled across the room to the cackling chibi alchemist in an attempt to capture him.

Of course, seeing how this same chibi was spiked with caffeine, he became as cunning as a used car sales man did and as fast as a child in a candy store. He skittered across the room…still cackling like a lunatic.

Roy was impressively and wisely perched on top of a filing cabinet, armed with his gloves, paperwork, and pen. Why he had bothered to save the paperwork was still beyond him, but he knew that it would have a purpose sooner or later, other than to bug the hell out of him.

"Catch him, Hawkeye! You can do it! I have faith in your womanly powers!"

The chibi glared at the man, and without warning, dashed across the room. Without pausing, he climbed up the filing cabinet to the top drawer and snarled at the man. Roy 'eeped', and chucked the paperwork at the boy's head, which actually succeeded in rendering the boy unconscious.

Roy blinked, then pumped his fist into the air triumphantly. "Whoo! I knew that paperwork was good for _something_!"

Riza let out a sigh, and on cue, another head poked into the office.

"Uh, Riza? We sort of got a problem…"

**End**


	9. Theme 9

**Drabble Rating: **T  
**Status: **9/26  
**Word Count:** 275 words  
**Pairings:** Roy/Ed, Havoc/Fuery, uh...can Riza/her rifles be canon? O.o  
**Characters:** Roy, Ed, Havoc, Fuery, Riza, Maes, random inspecting General...  
**Theme:** Theme 9: Inspection  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.  
**Warnings:** Language, mistakened identity, some suggestions of things that should never be talked about in front of little kids...n'yeah...

Hughes had tried to warn him. He did.

The General didn't listen and barged into the office of horrors the do the inspection.

His eyes widened at what laid before him.

Colonel Roy Mustang was seated on the couch in a full make-out session with a blonde—who was that girl, anyway? Fuery and Havoc were exchanging kisses as they wooed each other. Riza Hawkeye was giving everyone and everything (except for her rifles) death glares as she polished the weapons.

The General took a deep breath to make his announcement. When he realized no one had noticed that he walked in, he growled loudly in his throat to get the desired effect.

Only, it wasn't as enthusiastic as he had hoped.

"Oh, General," Roy waved from the couch, "be with you in a bit! I'm a little busy at the moment—"

"YOU FUCKTARD, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING PULLING AWAY BEFORE YOU'RE DONE." The blonde—woman?—sat up, grabbed Roy by the collar, and yanked him out of view.

Havoc and Fuery looked over and gave him a grin before going back to whatever they were doing.

Riza merely raised an eyebrow as if to say 'Are you going to say something that'll piss me off and make me shove these up your nose?' and emphasized it by waving the guns in the air, to reflect the light off them dangerously.

The General shuddered and turned around to leave. He looked over to Hughes who was trying hard not to laugh.

"I think I'll leave you do to the inspections in this sector—"

Hughes grinned and saluted. "Okay dokey!"

**End**


	10. Theme 10

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **10/26  
**Word Count:** 380 words  
**Pairings:** Roy/Ed  
**Characters:** Elysia, Maes, Roy, Ed, Riza, Havoc  
**Theme:** Theme 10: Journalism  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

"So, is it true that you work directly for Fürher Roy Mustang?" Elysia asked while holding a pencil to a pad of paper, looking very serious for a young girl just beginning fourth grade.

It was career week at the school, and she took up the occupation as journalist and was to interview an alchemist and if she was lucky enough, the Fürher himself (which Roy would gladly oblige to help her with, as long as it got him away from having to put up with Riza who was still stalking him for never finishing up the paperwork he was assigned back when he was a Colonel).

Her father, hearing upon her choice of work, was ecstatic. And he had no trouble in showing it either.

"Yes, is it true? Is it true? Huh? Huh?" Maes bounced up and down on the chair.

Havoc, Riza, and Roy, who were sitting at a table, all rolled their eyes, yet continued to watch the 'interview'.

"Daddy! Hush! Let me do this!" Elysia growled, but then turned back to her victim and smiled sweetly.

"Er, yeah—" Her victim was none other than Edward Elric, who fidgeted in his chair anxiously. "Uh, I got stuff to do, can I—"

"Not yet, I have a couple questions more. It won't take long, honest." She scribbled something down and smiled again at him. "Okay, next question: What was your role in the military?"

"I was a State Alchemist. I served under Mustang, who was also did the funding for my research." He looked over to Roy who was taking a sip of coffee while giving him the 'thumbs up'.

She nodded approvingly. "Okay, I guess this'll be the last question. Is it true that you are in an intimate relationship with Fürher Mustang?"

Coffee spewed across the table, stunning both Riza and Havoc, and Edward gaped at the girl. "Where did you—"

"ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION MR. ELRIC!" She bellowed.

"Yes!" Ed blurted and hid under the desk.

The raging girl instantly turned sweet and jotted down some more notes before rising. She smiled innocently at him. "Thank you, Mr. Elric. That will be all. Come along, daddy."

She walked out the door humming contently without even noticing that her dad had fainted.

**End**


	11. Theme 11

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **11/26  
**Word Count:** 360 words  
**Pairing:** None.  
**Characters:** Havoc, Roy, Ed, Riza, Hughes, Falman, Breda, Fuery  
**Theme:** Theme 11: Knockout  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

"And he shoots...and he scores!" Havoc grinned as he watched Roy hand Edward another twenty bills in cash after loosing the bet. "So, Roy, are you sure you want to keep going with all the betting? By the time the game is over, you'll be broke."

Roy rolled his sleeves up agitatedly and glared at Havoc. "I am sure. Now shut up and tell us what the next round is."

Havoc shook his head and pulled out a clipboard. "Tisk tisk. Don't yell at me when Ed ends up kicking your ass. Eh, it's...office boxing. Hey, move the desks aside folks!"

Breda, Falman, and Fuery instantly pushed all the desks up to the walls and cleared the other furniture in the room off to the side to make way. Hughes skipped into the room with a roll of tape, laid down a perfect square, and tossed the roll at Ed, who failed to duck in time.

"Who's going against who?" Fuery asked as Riza walked in with two sets of boxing gloves and an expression on her face that said 'after this, your asses are going to be loaded with paperwork and I'll make sure you do it _all_'.

Ed jumped up. "I go against Mustang!" He pointed at Roy. "You are going down!"

Roy smirked. "No alchemy, Ed."

"I know that, but you're still going down!"

Riza sighed and pulled out a whistle. "Gentlemen, into the square." She waited as they entered the square and pulled on their gloves. "Let's make this a clean one. No blood and gore."

Hughes grinned. "That should be easy, cause they are both nothing but a couple of pansies..."

Ed and Roy shot the man glares with lightning flashing around them.

Riza tooted the whistle.

Instead of lunging for each other, they both lunged at Hughes and jabbed him right in the head.

The spectators gaped as he dropped to the ground with a cheeky grin on his face, clearly entering 'la-la' land.

Riza walked over to Hughes and merely glanced at him before tooting the whistle. "And the winners are Ed and Roy, with Hughes out like a light. NEXT CONTESTANT, NOW!"

**End**


	12. Theme 12

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **12/26  
**Word Count:** 250 words  
**Pairing:** None.  
**Characters:** Roy, Ed, Riza, Janitors  
**Theme:** Theme 12: Lights  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Riza's eye twitched as the light over her desk flickered several times with a loud buzzing sound. The light had been doing that for the past three days, and each day she told the janitors who replied that they would get to as soon as they weren't busy with the other work they were doing.

_Buzz. Flicker. Zap._

She gritted her teeth as the light flicked off for several seconds, then suddenly flicked back on.

_Buuuuuuuuuuzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. _

**BANG.**

Riza blew smoke away from the tip of her gun and shoved it back into her holster.

"You know, you could've asked me to fix it.

She looked up to see a bug-eyed Edward staring at the shattered light. She shrugged. "You can fix it anytime, if you wish."

He shrugged and grabbed a chair to stand on. Realizing that even with the chair he was too short, he grabbed a few thick books, piled them on the chair and stood on them.

Just as he stood on them, Roy walked in.

"Why, Fullmetal, what—"

"I'm fixing the light. So shut your fucking mouth before I shut it for you." Ed spat as he threw a kick at Roy's head from where he stood, only to topple off the stack and fall onto Roy.

Riza sighed.

The janitors entered the room with a stepladder and a new light. "We're here to fix the light."

Riza cocked the rifle at them with a glare.

The light was fixed in a mere five minutes.

**End**


	13. Theme 13

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **13/26  
**Word Count:** 360 words  
**Pairing:** RoyEd  
**Characters:** Havoc, Hughes, Riza, and other RoyEd fans.  
**Theme:** Theme 13: Meeting  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Havoc stood up from his desk at the front of the room and rapped knuckle on the wood. "I call this meeting into session. All rise."

Several other people in the office rose from their seats and held up their right hand up in the air by their heads with their left over their hearts.

"We the people of Central Headquarters hereby declare that with our utmost loyalty we will forever worship and dedicate our lives to Major Edward Elric and Colonel Roy Mustang, our one true pairing known as RoyEd or EdRoy." They all raised both hands. "ROYED! IT'S OUR OTP!"

Havoc wiped a tear of joy away from his eye. "I'm so proud. Hughes, what's our agenda today?"

Hughes, who was seated a few chairs away, stood from his spot and waved several books in the air. "I GOT PICTURES!"

Everyone cringed. '_No! Not now! No Elysia pictures!'_

He grinned and tossed them into the center of the table. "Of Ed and Roy on their date at the movies last night!"

Everyone dove for the stack of books. 

Suddenly, the door opened and a figure walked in. Everyone froze and looked up.

Riza stood blinking at them owlishly. They blinked back.

Without a word, she grabbed a cup of coffee and left. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

-----

Riza seated herself at her desk and Roy looked up alarmed. "Hey, Riza, where is everyone?"

Ed looked up from the couch. "It is awfully quiet today..."

Riza smiled. "It's Thursday."

"So? Is there a new routine that the Furher announced?" Roy cocked his head.

Riza shook her head and raised her mug of coffee. "Nope. It's the OTP meeting."

Roy and Ed blinked.

Riza closed her eyes with a cocky smile. "You've got a fan club, gentlemen. It seems that RoyEd is very popular this year."

Roy fainted and Edward shrieked like a cat.

The following week, the RoyEd OTP club had to find a new meeting place, seeing as how Roy and Ed stood heavily armed in their original meeting point not looking too happy about having a secret fan club that consisted mainly of fan boys.

**End**


	14. Theme 14

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **14/26  
**Word Count:** 310 words  
**Pairing:** None.  
**Characters:** Roy, Ed, Riza  
**Theme:** Theme 14: Naptime  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Roy overlooked his crowded-with-paper work desk and scowled. This was just a tad bit on the ridiculous side of reality. What did this woman think he was, the ultimate signature man? Seriously, didn't she realize he could develop a wrist disease or something? Was she trying to get his hand to fall off?

Stealing a glance to the door where her desk was, he smirked when he saw that she was currently away from her post. Stealthily moving across the room, he slowly closed the door, did a hop and a skip, dove onto the leather couch and instantly fell into a slumber.

His slumber was short lived when a familiar, and obnoxious voice rang through the door. "Colonel Bastard, I'm coming in!"

Roy's eyes opened half-way. "No, not now…"

The door was kicked open as a chibi alchemist stomped inside, only to turn and slam the door with a swift wave of the arm.

"I got your stinking report, now--" Ed looked around and saw Roy missing from his desk. "Bastard? You here?"

He then saw the Colonel on the couch. He raised an eyebrow, crept over and looked over the couch where Roy laid.

Roy pretended to be sleeping, hoping the alchemist would take the hint and just leave.

Edward did take the hint. He deposited the folder on Roy's desk, walked out of the room silently.

Roy opened his eyes in shock but then closed them as he snuggled down for a nap. He suddenly heard voices beyond the door.

"Edward, why is the Colonel's door closed?"

There was a shushing sound from Ed. "The Bastard Colonel is taking a nap. Don't disturb him."

"Oh really? We'll see about his--'naptime'--"

The door swung open and there was a chorus of gunshots.

Really, he decided he needed to get an alchemist and gunslinger proof lock on that door.

**End**


	15. Theme 15

**Drabble Rating: **T  
**Status: **15/26  
**Word Count:** 340 words  
**Pairing:** RoyEd, HavocFuery  
**Characters:** Riza, Ed, Roy, Havoc, Fuery, Falman  
**Theme:** Theme 15: Office  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Riza knew it was going to be one of those days when she stepped foot into the office. It wasn't that people were being lazy; it was just...well, to put into kind terms, a bit unnerving.

Usually she can tolerate a few cigarettes being smoked here and there, or a crash of a door every once in a while (or every time that Edward came back) but this...this was just not right for a woman to put up with.

Opposite of her own desk was Havoc's, who was preoccupied with the smaller man on his lap clinging to him and his prized cigarettes. Everytime Fuery tried to get up and get back to his own desk; Havoc would instantly tug him back down and bear hug the poor man until he turned blue.

At the filing cabinets, Falman was busy trying to reorganize the files that had been used as Frisbees in last night's Frisbee contest. No one knew who the winner was, because Riza had walked in and threatened to shoot everyone's toes off if they ever attempted such a stunt again.

What really got her was the sight at the very end of the meeting table. Roy was sitting in his usual chair with his usual stack of paperwork, but he had an extra item with him.

Edward was currently located on his lap giving everyone death glares, even though no one was doing anything to him or Roy.

Riza approached the two when Roy looked up and gave a faint smile. The hair on Ed's head seemed to stand on end and it sounded as if he hissed at her. She raised an eyebrow and her fingers twitched. Her hand was just inches away from the weapons in their holsters, and Ed had noticed the twitching. He scowled and turned so he was facing Roy. With a black marker, he wrote ever so quickly 'mine' on Roy's forehead.

Roy just blinked and shrugged. Riza merely grabbed Ed by the braid and dragged him to the shooting range.

**End**


	16. Theme 16

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **16/26  
**Word Count:** 340 words  
**Pairing:** Implied RoyEd  
**Characters:** Roy, Edward, Riza  
**Theme:** Theme 16: Paperwork  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Roy watched in horror as the pile of paperwork grew from one stack to two, to four, to eight, and to sixteen. It was just not natural! Wasn't there a law against chopping down trees to make so much paperwork? If not, there should be...

"Woah," a voice called out from the other side of the stack, "What the hell? Roy? Is that you?"

Roy pushed his chair so he was a good yard off to the side from his desk and saw Edward staring up at the stack of papers. "Why, Fullmetal, I couldn't see you over the paperwork; must be because you have such a short stature..."

"Shut it, Mustang, I couldn't see you either." Ed crossed his arms and stepped around the desk, still staring at the stack. "So, this is all the work you have yet to do, eh?"

Roy sweatdropped. "Well, yeah..."

"Why don't you just do it to get it over with?" Ed poked one of the piles, which suddenly began to sway.

Roy, who had his back to the pile now, shrugged. "I don't know; I guess you could say that it's because I know that it never stops coming."

The pile by now was swaying like a freaking drunk after getting several free rounds at a bar. Edward was desperately trying to keep it from toppling over, but was sort of failing...miserably.

Just as Roy was turning to find the stack leaning over him (and Edward), the office door swung open and a disgruntled looking Hawkeye stood in the doorway with a rifle raised and cocked.

"MUSTANG!" 

**_BANG!_**

The gun went off with the bullet zooming through the stack of papers, sending sheets and folders flying all over creation and sending one Fullmetal Alchemist screaming on top of his lungs into one Flame Alchemist's awaiting arms.

"GET THAT PAPERWORK DONE AND QUIT FOOLING AROUND WITH EDWARD!" With that, she slammed the door.

If there was one thing scarier than paperwork, that would be Riza Hawkeye, sharpshooter extraordinaire and paperwork giver of doom.

**End**


	17. Theme 17

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **17/26  
**Word Count:** 450 words  
**Pairing:** Ed/Riza, mostly friendship implied though.  
**Characters:** Edward and Riza  
**Theme:** Theme 17: Questions  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Riza looked up when the door swung open with a loud 'bang' and one Edward Elric stomped inside, fuming as usual. She watched as he marched across the room and threw open the door to Roy's office and step inside, only to step back out and slam the door. He turned with a leveled stare.

"Where's the Colonel Bastard?"

Riza bit the cap to her pen. "He's on lunch break. He'll be up in a few minutes."

Edward snorted and crossed his arms. "I'll bet."

The woman smiled inwardly. "Why don't you have a seat and wait for him? After all, it won't really be a worthy cause to start ranting in the middle of the cafeteria." She motioned for a chair that was across from her own desk.

The blonde alchemist shrugged and seated himself, but shifted several times before getting comfortable. 

There was an uneasy pause for both blondes, and Riza realized that this was the first time that she was with Edward…alone. She took a deep breath and pushed aside her documents and played with the pen. "So, Edward, how've you been?"

He looked up with wide eyes. "Uh, fine, I guess."

"How's your personal mission?"

He shrugged. "Okay, I guess. Not getting as much info as I would like, though."

She nodded. She noticed Edward staring at a group picture on her desk. An eyebrow rose as he narrowed one eye. "Does he ever hit on you?"

"Excuse me?"

"So, does the pompous bastard hit on you like any of the other women of Central?"

Riza chuckled under her breath, startling Edward. "Yes, he's hit on me. Asked me out on a date plenty of times."

"And…you've turned him down each time, right?"

She nodded with a smug smile. "He never seems to take a hint. He's asked Lieutenant Maria Ross before, and of course was turned down as well."

Edward smirked. "Smart choice."

Riza let a laugh go louder than she wanted. "Is it really true you want to beat his face in?"

Ed blushed. "Well, yeah. He's a bastard." He looked away nervously. 

"Don't worry, Edward, you won't get in trouble. My lips are sealed." Riza pursed her lips and made a zipping motion with her fingers.

Ed grinned back. "Eh, everyone except for the higher ups probably know about my desire to punch his pompous face in…but, yeah." There was a sound of a door opening and both blondes looked up.

Riza frowned. "Looks like the Colonel has arrived." She nodded. "Good luck, Edward."

Ed smiled. "Thanks, I'll need it to keep myself from transmuting his face to the floor." With that, he turned and approached the man with a rant built up.

**End**


	18. Theme 18

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **18/26  
**Word Count:** 280 words  
**Pairing:** None.  
**Characters:** Riza, Roy, Ed, Havoc  
**Theme:** Theme 18: Report  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

"Do you have your report, Fullmetal?"

Ed leveled a glare before chucking the folder at Roy, sending papers scattering all over the desk. Roy looked up and gave Ed a glare of his own.

"Yes, I do, Colonel Bastard. And I'll be going now, if you don't mind." Ed swiveled on his heel only to be grabbed by the shoulders and pulled backwards, causing him to topple onto the desk top (of course scattering more papers).

"I do mind. We have to have a discussion about your report, remember?"

Ed pretended to think hard. "No, I can't say that I do…"

Roy smirked. "I do believe that we do…"

"And I say that we don't." Ed's voice became filled with agitation.

Roy's smirk disappeared. He was pushing his luck now, and he knew it. But this was just too much fun.

"We do."

Roy had only two seconds of warning before Ed attacked.

-----

Havoc stared from the Colonel to Ed and back. Riza meanwhile was clicking her tongue and shaking her head with disapproval.

"Edward, how many times have we told you not to attack your superior officer whilst delivering your report?"

Ed wracked his brain. "Thirty two times?"

"Make it thirty-three," Riza narrowed her eyes. "After all this commotion, let's just get done what you came to do. Where's your report?"

Ed pointed to Roy, who was supporting his head with a hand looking glum.

"Sir? Where is Edward's report?"

Roy looked up, stood from his seat and coughed. Bits of paper flew out of his mouth.

Both Riza and Havoc jumped back in surprise. Riza then scowled at Edward. 

Ed shrugged. "The Colonel ate my homework er…report."

**End**


	19. Theme 19

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **19/26  
**Word Count:** 320 words  
**Pairing:** None.  
**Characters:** Roy, Havoc  
**Theme:** Theme 19: Stapler  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Havoc was the happiest person in the world at that moment. He had just finished typing up that blasted report, and now all he had to do was staple it and hand it in.

Shuffling in his desk drawer for his beloved savior, his fingers brushed against the object. He instantly pulled it out and placed it onto the flat surface. He was mentally worshipping the object…

He took the stack of papers and placed the corner neatly underneath the teeth of the stapler. He placed his hand on to top of the device and pushed it down.

'_Click.'_

Click?

He pushed again. No staple. He pushed several more times. Still no staple.

Irate, he threw open his desk drawer and dove in for the refills. "Blast it all!"

He grabbed the little box of staple refills and filled the stubborn device with the metal clippings before shoving the box back into the desk. He took a deep breath and tried to staple again.

'_Click.'_

"What the fuck?" Havoc pried open the stapler and glared at it evenly. It seemed to be working fine. Testing to make sure there wasn't any clips jammed in the teeth, he pressed his bare thumb onto the puncturing part of the staple.

'_Snap.'_

There was a long, painful pause for the man. He pulled the stapler away from his hand, dropping it loudly on his desk. He stared wide-eyed at his thumb.

He had stapled his thumb and not the file.

He stared bitterly at the mocking office tool. He swore that if the thing had a mouth and hands, it would be clapping and chanting '_bravo, Mr. Havoc, bravo. You have done what every natural moron has done, and that was staple your finger. I salute you'. _

Roy later received the report unstapled and with a note attached stating that the Second Lieutenant is officially boycotting staplers because they laugh at him.

**End**


	20. Theme 20

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **20/26  
**Word Count:** 450 words  
**Pairing:** None.  
**Characters:** Roy, Riza, Hughes, Havoc, Edward  
**Theme:** Theme 20: Telephone  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

The telephone.

It seemed innocent at first glance, yes. However, underneath the synthetic products was a weapon...a weapon that could drive any taisa insane, any chuui up the wall, and any Hagaren into fits of foamy wrath.

Speaking of taisa, Roy Mustang was currently honored with the presence of one of these contraptions. He damned the man who created these things, hoping that one day he could build a time machine and find the bastard who discovered the ways of the phone and toast him into 'never-invent-the-fucking-thing' land.

_'Ring.'_

The man's eyebrow twitched as he picked up the receiver cautiously. He paused as he held it to his ear. "Mustang."

"Hiyah Roy! Did I forget to mention how Elysia--"

_'Click.'_

Roy hung up the phone without another word. The alchemist let out a soft sigh before reaching into the top drawer of his desk for a pen to start the paperwork that Riza had left him when the inevitable happened.

_'Ring.'_

The phone rang. Again.

He picked up the phone again and answered with a sigh. "Mustang."

"Roy, you gotta do something about these phone lines, we keep getting disconnected. Anyway, Elysia chewed her first piece of gum this morning, Roy! It was so adorable cause she blew a bubble--"

_'SLAM!'_

_'Ring!'_

Roy finally shot to his feet, yanked one of his gloves out of his jacket pocket, pulled it over his hand and snapped.

-----

Edward was walking into Riza's office when there was a sudden 'boom' and a slight tremor rippled through the building. Smoke billowed out from under the door leading to Roy's office.

Riza and Havoc rushed over to the door and flung it open only to have a half-burnt Roy come staggering out and nearly fall onto Edward, who squeaked as he dove to avoid getting squished.

Roy had a very content look on his face as he held up a half-melted piece of what was once a phone receiver. "Heehee, phone go 'splodey."

Hughes poked his head into the office with a confused look. "Hey, I've been trying to reach Roy in the past two minutes and I can't--Oh hiyah Roy! It looks like your phone broke! That's okay, I'm here so I can tell you all about it in person! Which is even better because I got pictures for you!"

Roy held up a gloved hand and grinned insanely. "If you want to live I suggest you turn around and find someone else to bug, Hughes, cause right now...I am in the mood for roasted Lieutenants."

Of all the times that Edward had ever entered the office, this was the first time he had ever left without calling Roy a bastard.

**End**


	21. Theme 21

**Drabble Rating: **T  
**Status: **21/26  
**Word Count:** 350 words  
**Pairing:** One-sided Ling/Ed, Roy/Ed  
**Characters:** Ling, Ed, Roy  
**Theme:** Theme 21: Uninvited  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

"Fullmetal," Colonel Mustang swept his arm as a greeting, "I would like to introduce to you the Prince of Xing. He is—"

"Hello!" The Prince said with a devious glint in his eyes, "I have heard much about you in papers and word of mouth!" The Prince approached the alchemist and his gaze swept up and down the boy's body. "You look prettier in person than in pictures. It is an honor to see such beauty."

Edward raised an eyebrow and questioned the guy's sanity with glances towards Roy who merely blinked and shrugged.

"Uh, okay…" He said uneasily and scooted away from the man. However, his scooting didn't get him far when he felt someone clinging to his arm. It was the damned prince.

"Please, tell me, is Fullmetal your real name or is a code name like The Prince is for me?"

"Uh, no, Fullmetal is not my real name, it's Edward." Ed pulled his arm but the grip tightened.

"Ah, Edward. Pretty name for a pretty boy. My real name is Ling." The Prince clung to him and leaned towards Edward's face. "Please, may I give you a kiss?"

Golden eyes bugged out and a cough was heard from Roy, who was clearly agitated by the Prince by now for hitting on his Edward. "Prince, the Furher wishes to see you."

Ling's face went crestfallen, but then it lit up as he pecked a quick kiss onto the boy's cheek and skipped happily out of the office.

Edward shuddered in anger and vigorously rubbed his cheek with the sleeve of his coat. "ECK! Roy! You so owe me for that move!"

Roy sighed. "Fine, you get to go tops tonight."

"Damn right I do, bastard." Edward said with a smirk.

**End**


	22. Theme 22

**Drabble Rating: **T  
**Status: **22/26  
**Word Count:** 390 words  
**Pairing:** RoyEd, one-sided LingEd  
**Characters:** Ed, Roy, Ling, random Higher Up  
**Theme:** Theme 22: Verification  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

"Now," Roy seated himself in front of the Prince and flipped through the papers attached to the clipboard. He glanced up occasionally to the Xingian, and back to the papers. "Let's just get this over with so we all can be on our way, shall we?"

Edward was seated at Roy's big desk while he waited for him to finish up work so they could go out to dinner. He kept receiving odd glances from the Xingian, and once they held a staring contest that lasted until Ed stuck his tongue out at the Prince and the Prince grinned as he wiggled his eyebrows mischievously. Feeling violated, Ed snorted with widened eyes and spun around in the chair so he would have to look at him (or have him look at Ed. Either way was bad.)

"Sure, sure." Ling was too busy trying to find a way to get Ed's attention without actually having to move or perform manual labor.

"Now, I need you to sign these forms here," Roy pointed to a space, then began a pointing spree. "And here, here, here, and here as well, and here also."

Ed was flabbergasted. He sprung up from behind the chair. "I thought you said he only had a few things to sign!"

"Quite a few I'm afraid."

Ed's expression darkened. "Fuckers! Why the hell do they need to verify who this asshole is? We all know that he's the bastard from Xing, who gives a shit?"

Roy shrugged as he handed Ling a pen. "Security reasons, Ed."

"Bah," Ed grumbled and slumped in the chair, spinning it back around to face Roy. "Tell them to stick it up their noses."

Ling looked up and grinned. "I will tell them if you want me to."

Ed stared blankly. He then shrugged slightly without a word.

Ling rose from his seat, grabbed the papers, and left the room.

Roy stared at the retreating form. Ed sat up in the chair, both he and Roy listening intently.

There was the sound of muffled talk, then a yell and a slam. Ling entered the room, looking mightily pleased with himself.

"You are correct, sir Edward. According to the man in the next room with many stars and stripes, I am 'the bastard from Xing'."

Roy shot Ed an annoyed look as the teen laughed.

**End**


	23. Theme 23

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **23/26  
**Word Count:** 230 words  
**Pairing:** None.  
**Characters:** Roy, Hughes, Riza, Havoc, random people.  
**Theme:** Theme 23: Work  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Hughes popped his head into the office and grinned. "Hiyah, Roy old-buddy-old-pal! Whatcha up to?"

Roy looked up with a twitchy eye at the 'old' comment. "Work."

Hughes gaped in astonishment. "Oh my—really? You're working?" He ran over to Mustang and placed a hand to his friend's forehead. "You feel warm, maybe you have a fever..."

"I feel fine."

"That's what all sick people say." Hughes grabbed Roy by the hand and began to drag him away from the desk. "Come on! We must bring you home so you can rest! Obviously you're not doing well if you're doing your work..."

"Hughes, I can't leave!"

"Nonsense! Everyone will understand—"

"Riza will kill me."

Hughes continued to drag him never the less. "Don't worry! I'm left Havoc and the others in holding her off!"

Roy attempted to shake off the family man, but realized resistance was futile when his mind was made up. Just going with the flow. "Remind me when I get back to work sometime soon that I am to give each person that faced off with her a big fat bonus."

-----

"HE DID WHAT?"

A barrage of bullets sounded through the air as everyone ran for cover in the Colonel's office.

Havoc ducked quickly under the desk in complete and utter terror. "That's the last time I ever cover his ass for leaving work early! Ever!"

**End**


	24. Theme 24

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **24/26  
**Word Count:** 320 words  
**Pairing:** None.  
**Characters:** Roy, Ed, Al, Hughes  
**Theme:** Theme 24: Xerox  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

"Come on, Al, I have to make a copy of this report for Colonel Pain in the Ass," Edward walked down the corridor with his younger brother in tow.

"Coming, nii-san." Alphonse chased after his brother, bowing his head politely as they passed a random officer.

They entered a brightly lit room with several large machines in it. None of them were in use, so Edward approached the closest one and put it to use. He lifted the cover and placed his report on the glass panel and pressed the copy button and held the sheet in place. A second later, a humming noise filled the room as the copier went to work and made the copy for him.

As it finished printing, he pulled the sheet out and showed it to Al. "How does this look?"

Alphonse raised an eyebrow. "You copied part of your hand on it..."

"I did?" Edward stared at the sheet, and sure enough, part of his hand was evident on the edges of the paper. A smirk crept onto his face as he looked over to Al, who stared back worriedly.

"Nii-san, what are you up to?"

-----

Roy blinked. And blinked. And blinked some more. He was holding several papers and was staring at them with a look of utter...well, there was no real good word to describe it, but he was speechless.

Hughes walked in and saw his expression, so he walked over and took a peek at the papers as well. At first glance he blinked as well, but then cracked into a fit of laughter.

"Wow! Ed and Al sure have interesting ways of expressing themselves!" He wiped a tear from his eye. "I'm so proud."

On the sheets of paper, were different expressions of the Elric brothers, and on one of them, was a photocopy of a Ed with a middle finger that was practically shoved up his nose.

**End**


	25. Theme 25

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **25/26  
**Word Count:** 320 words  
**Pairing:** Riza and Hughes friendship. :D  
**Characters:** Hughes, Riza, Roy  
**Theme:** Theme 25: Yellow Pages  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Hughes' lower lip wibbled as he was getting his scorning from Roy. He had done it once again. He had annoyed Roy so badly that he was scorned and kicked out of his office and forbidden from entering again until Hawkeye came to deliver the message.

Hawkeye did arrive later, but not with a message. She came with lunch.

"I see you hadn't eaten yet, and Gracia would have our heads if we let you go without." She handed over a paper bag and a glass of water, which he took gratefully.

"Hughes, why must you torture everyone so with your pictures?" She gazed at him blankly. "Everyone here has seen and has heard from you about your daughter. It's getting old."

Hughes lowered his head ashamed. "I know, but…I have no one else to talk to…"

Riza raised an eyebrow. She then let a smirk creep to her lips and a low, devious chuckle came out, stunning the man momentarily.

"No one else to talk to, eh?" She rubbed her chin. "When I was younger, in my teens, my friends and I were the pranksters of the neighborhood. We used to pull prank calls, pulling out a phone book and called any random number that we laid eyes on first." She allowed a smile to come out.

Hughes grinned and snapped his fingers. "You're a genius, Riza!"

Riza bowed her head slightly. "Glad I could be of some service…"

-----

Later that night…

Roy laid down on his bed to get some shut eye. He had a busy day, so much paperwork. Damnit, that woman was a terror to all trees of the world!

Suddenly, the phone rang. Fearing the worst, he hesitated before answering it after the fourth ring. "H-hello? Mustang residence."

"Roy?"

"HUGHES!" Roy glowered at the phone.

"I thought this number seemed familiar!"

Roy slammed the phone onto the hook and chucked it out his window.

**End**


	26. Theme 26

**Drabble Rating: **K+  
**Status: **26/26  
**Word Count:** 260 words  
**Pairing:** None.  
**Characters:** Roy, Havoc, Riza, and various subordinates.  
**Theme:** Theme 26: Zzzs  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own.

Roy was extremely happy now. For one thing, he was napping, and anyone in his or her right mind would enjoy a nap. The second thing was Riza wasn't there, which meant no paperwork _and_ as an added bonus, a longer nap! The third thing was everyone else was napping, which meant there would be no disturbances—

Roy was sprawled out with his feet propped up onto his desk, chair tilted back, and hands hanging off the arms of the chair. His fellow subordinates (except Riza) were all sprawled out in resembling fashions at each other their own desks, and if they didn't have one, did so at a table.

Ah, yes, life was good...

-----

Riza walked down the hallway stomping angrily. She glared at any passerby that waved gleefully. How dare they be chipper at this time of the month?

She threw open the door to Mustang's office and nearly screeched like a banshee when she saw everyone in their nap poses. The first person she laid eyes on was presumably the ring leader--_Mustang._

How dare they nap? How dare they!

"GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASSES AND WORK!"

Everyone jumped, except Roy, whom was still deep into la-la land.

Riza soon fixed that with a few shots from her rifle.

In just a few minutes, she had everyone situated and working their fingers raw. She leered menacingly at anyone who paused for just even a second.

Since she wasn't allowed to nap, _no one would ever nap again!._

She cackled with evil glee. Havoc gulped in total fear.

**End**


End file.
